


we won't chase, but please come home

by e_is_better_than_a (orphan_account)



Series: tumblr asks [19]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Depressed Brian May, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21620914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/e_is_better_than_a
Summary: anon ask: Poly!Queen with insecure Brian thinking they will replace him sooner or later?
Relationships: John Deacon/Brian May/Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor
Series: tumblr asks [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558126
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

It was difficult to think that they wanted him in these types of situations. When they decided to go out and Brian was all excited until he ended up losing them one by one to the crowd, only to find them an hour later, flirting and dancing with each other, seeming to have forgotten about their fourth lover. Or when he grew depressed and upset about the world and locked himself away, forcing himself to listen to his boyfriends go about their day through the walls. There were countless other scenarios where Brian dragged them down. _Even when we’re playing I lag!_ The tall man thought dejectedly.

Across the room, his lovers were giggling and getting hype for the show they were about to play. Roger and Freddie shadowboxed with each other, careful not to actually make contact while John narrated in a funny voice, making the trio dissolve into a fit of giggles. Brian was so lost in his head he didn’t notice when Freddie tried to catch his eye, failing miserably.

“Oh, boys, I think our guitarist isn’t so happy,” His tone was light and was supposed to be sing-songy teasing but to Brian’s ears, it just sounded condescending. He shifted in his chair, trying to make himself as small as possible without completely drawing in on himself.

With a huff, John plopped himself on the arm of the chair. “What’s up, Bri? Worried about your solo?” _Why does it feel like they are_ trying _to make me upset?_ Brian thought as the other three shared a smile.

When Brian didn’t meet their eyes, the atmosphere shifted. Before anyone could say anything more, the door opened and a stagehand poked his head in. “It’s time, boys,” The stagehand said with a smile. Brian slapped on the biggest smile he could and walked out, hearing the footsteps of his lingering lovers and decided to not think about what they’re saying behind his back.

-

The show was fine. There was an obvious tension between the four of them but Freddie played it off and fed off of it to entertain the crowd. Brian got lost in his playing but paid extra attention to the beat so he stayed in time, not wanting to give Roger or Deaky another reason to be annoyed later. And of course, the rhythm section thundered away as usual.

By the time the show was over and they were all packed up, heading home for a night together at the insistence of Freddie, Brian just wanted to sleep. And he hated it. He was holding them back from a fun night because of his sour mood and that just made him more annoyed.

Once they arrived back home and instruments were away until practice, the three exchanged a look. The guitarist marched away into the bedroom and slipped his pajamas on, peeling himself out of the tight pants Freddie had somehow convinced him to wear with the support of Roger and John.

Just as he was about to slip under the covers, the door opened. It was John, holding two cups of tea.

Brian raised his eyebrows at the unusual behavior and watched as he sat on the bed, careful not to spill.

“Come, Bri. I made you tea,” John’s soft voice made Brian melt but he stood for a moment longer. “I always make your tea the best; you know it.” _He does make damn good tea,_ Brian thought as he sat next to their youngest and took his tea, giving a tight smile and pretending not to notice the slight pout he got because he didn’t kiss his boyfriend.

There was another tense silence, but this time, they were both aware of it. In the past few months, it felt like Brian was drowning, locked away because everything was so tense or awkward but _no one else_ felt it. Finally, Brian broke the silence.

“I know you want to talk but not tonight,” He pleaded eyes locked on his tea. John nodded and the two of them finished their tea in silence.

“You’ve been distant for the past couple of months and we were wondering if- if there was something on your mind?” John prompted, sounding a little desperate.

Brian snorted. “There’s always something on my mind, Deaks,” He muttered taking another sip of his perfectly made tea. “But I already said that I don’t-”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it but if something isn’t working then you need to tell us,” His voice was sharp and it just aggravated Brian. _Something isn’t working and it’s me!_ He wanted to shout but instead, he just placed his cup on the bedside table and slipped on a pair of trainers, feeling John’s eyes on him but the younger man didn’t stop him.

He put a hoddie on too, before walking out of the bedroom, completely ignoring the pleas to come back into the room. He walked to the door, slipping his house keys into his pocket before opening the door and slipping out. Brian jogged to the stairs, trying to shake his boyfriends if they decided to come after him. _Who was he kidding, they weren’t going to come after him. They were going to wait in the flat until he cooled down then scold him for running out in the middle of the night._

But Brian didn’t want to be scolded like a rebellious 14-year-old boy who snuck out to get drunk on a Wednesday night with his mates. He was 25 and _sad_. His relationship wasn’t working and _he_ was the problem. He was disconnected and outcast, all by his own doing.

As he walked down the dark London streets, a scary thought crossed his mind. _Are they going to replace me?_ He immediately wished he hadn’t thought it but now it was all that was in his head. If they broke up with him, could he stay in Queen? If they got a new fourth partner, Brian knew he would die. He would have to quit the band. Go back to astrophysics and never think about his three wonderful, loving, magnificently talented boyfriends again. A pit formed in the bottom of his stomach at the thought of leaving them behind.

He wandered for hours. Eventually, his mind became numb. No thoughts were produced and whenever one popped up, his tired head shut it down. With no thoughts, it was a miracle that his feet had found their way to the front door of their flat. He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should walk in or not. His fingers worked the key into the door, swinging it open quietly just as his brain decided that now was not the time to go home.

He stepped into their flat and it was silent. Completely dark, too. The only light the tall man could see was a sliver of yellow light coming from under the bedroom door. _So they’re awake,_ he thought. But there was no emotion to go along with it. Deep down, Brian felt scared by the lack of feeling but then again, he couldn’t really feel anything. 

Brian closed the door as softly as he could, his brain turning back on and hearing the sounds of voices bickering in the room. He silently toed off his shoes, getting just a few more moments of privacy. Just as he turned to walk into the bedroom, three figures were blocking the way.

“Brian, you know you can’t just up and leave.” Roger’s voice was hoarse and Brian knew him well enough to know that he had been crying.

The curly-haired man strode past his lovers, desperately hoping that his heart would help him feel _anything_ towards the people he loved. “I don’t see why it would really matter.”

“Brian May, how could you say something like that?” Freddie’s voice cracked, giving his words a sharp edge that made Brian flinch.

“Because I drag you down!” Brian said, exasperated. “I hate going out and all you three do is go out and get drunk. I’m sorry that I’m too awkward and can’t find my rhythm in those situations! I watch you three flirt from across the room and feel like I could walk home and you wouldn’t even notice. So my bad that I felt a little lost!”

It was tense again and Brian let his body sag under the weight of their horrified stares. “I know that I’m not exactly a social butterfly all the time but you could at least _try_ to find me when we go out, even if you just look at me,” He sighed. Inside, he felt everything begin to crack. Tears welled up in his eyes and they slowly slipped out the sides of his eyes.

He turned away from his boys and made his way down the hall and into the guest bedroom. He closed the door and curled up under the covers, asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

-

When he woke up, he wasn’t in the guest bedroom, but in the main bedroom, surrounded by Roger, John, and Freddie. They were murmuring something and Brian really didn’t want to listen.

Their soft chatter faded away as John spoke. “We know you’re awake love.” His voice sounded a little raw but Brian opened his eyes anyway.

The three of them were looking at him and they all looked exhausted. There wasn’t any bright morning light coming in from the window, it was grey from the rain clouds in the sky.

“Are you gonna tell us what made you say that stuff last night?” Roger prompted. Brian stiffened. Communication sucked.

“It was…” Brian started. “Well, it felt like you guys meant what you said in the dressing room yesterday and I… I just felt a little alienated,” He tried, unsure if he was making any sense.

“You felt excluded by us?” Freddie asked, breath hitching when Brian gave a nod.

“I left last night to clear my head. But I couldn’t stop thinking that… maybe you would work better if I wasn’t-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” John whispered, cutting off his boyfriend’s words. “This is not your fault. It’s ours,” Brian opened his mouth to object, but John kept going. “We haven’t done enough to show you we love you and value everything you put into the band and this relationship.” His words were firm but the guitarist couldn’t help but think that it was just an empty promise.

“Brian, I haven’t told you I love you in about a week,” Roger said. _Had he really not?_ “I’m sorry.”

“I love you too, guys but you don’t have to-”

“Yes we do,” Freddie said, sitting up a little to look Brian in the eyes. “We’ve been rubish boyfriends and we need to apologize.”

Brian felt his heart flutter. Maybe they didn’t want another. Maybe they just wanted him. For the first time in months, Brian let himself be drowned in love and affection, and it felt amazing.


	2. hot mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anon ask: okok so there was an ask awhile back where Brian wasn’t sure of his place in the relationship and the band. what if they go back to their old habits but worse during the hot space era so backchat sends him over the edge and he’s just like ‘yup, i’m done.’? sorry if this makes no sense i’m absolutely bone tired

They had grown over the last 9 years. They got comfortable in their relationship and often fought like an old married couple. Still, they fell into bed together every night, leaving all work-related arguments back in the studio (excluding the  _ Another One Bites the Dust _ fight that only lasted until Freddie brought Roger and John dinner. They were still standing at the front door with their coats on.). But Brian was almost at his wit’s end. They lived in the same house, worked in the same studio,  _ slept in the same bed for christ’s sake, _ but the guitarist felt like he was just watching the other three. Over their years together, he had felt like this once in a while but he others always caught it and made an effort to tug him back into their relationship and keep it that way. The difference was that this time, he had been feeling this way for months and none of them pulled him back in, letting him drift farther and farther away from them. And right now, he was past feeling sad and had moved on to a low-burning rage.

Brian had wandered into the studio late, having not been woken by one of his loves and decided to get ready leisurely since he obviously wasn’t important enough to be woken up for their studio session that day. When he arrived, already feeling slightly pissed off, he saw Roger tapping away on a drum machine with concentration etched on his face while John was scribbling in a journal (his song journal; the one Brian got him after he wrote ABTD) with Freddie hover over his shoulder and nodding. The curly-haired man didn’t even bother going into the studio, feeling petty enough to simply observe from the couch in the booth with Mack.

“Do you know what they’re working on?” Brian asked once he realized that he had never heard the lyrics or rhythms coming from the other side of the glass.

“Uhh,” Mack eloquently offered, looking like a deer in headlights. “John came in last night with the two of them and they just started doing,” he waved his hand around in their direction. “this. Called me in at the arse crack of dawn too.” He grumbled out the last part into his coffee mug then turned back to the others as they called for his attention.

Brian let that be, focusing instead on the fragments of lyrics and music he could hear. From what he could make out, it was going to be a fast paced disco track with a heavy bass line. Time slipped from his mind as he watched the others create a song that Brian was sure he would hate.

“Hey, Mack, we’re gonna run it, so be on the lookout,” Roger called, barely looking to the booth before launching into the intro. John followed his lead and eventually, Freddie joined in. Brian could do nothing but watch them. In the chair behind the desk, Mack’s head was in his hands.

With all of it together, the lyrics, the instruments, the passion to perform this song, it wasn’t difficult to tell what it was about. And knowing John wrote it pieced the rest together. But the slow-burning rage didn’t grow while he listened to the first draft of his diss track. It didn’t consume him, forcing him to leave the studio before they caught sight of him so he could drink the pub down the street dry for the 3rd time that week. Instead, it was reduced to smoldering embers.

When the music stopped, the almost physical representation of John’s fury towards him finally coming to an end, Mack sent an apologetic look towards the guitarist.

Brian took a deep breath and sent a weak smile back. “Not bad.”

Mack shook his head. “Not bad…” He echoed.

Roger had regrouped with Freddie and John in the center of the room, giving them a perfect sightline to where Brian sat, but they didn’t notice. That is, until Mack hit the mic button.

“Boys.” To an untrained ear, it might have sounded like a parent scolding their children for doing something naughty. All three looked up, eyes first going to Mack, then just over his shoulder where Brian’s unmistakeable curls were. No one said anything on either side of the glass. “He’s been here for the last hour.”

Brian watched each of his boys. Roger stood up a little straighter and clasped his arms behind him but looked down, like a schoolboy getting scolded for pushing their mate off the swing. Freddie’s face fell and his shoulders dropped as if the weight of his wrongdoing finally fell on him. When Brian got to John, he couldn’t decide whether he looked smug or emotionless, having tensed the moment he saw him.

Suddenly, Brian couldn’t be there anymore. He couldn’t stand the sight of them and he wanted out. So he left. He gathered himself up and walked right out the door. He didn’t look back but he could’ve sworn he saw John flinch when he threw the door open.

Once he left the studio, he realized he didn’t have a destination. He couldn’t go home, they would expect that. He definitely couldn’t wait for them outside the building. So he started walking and didn’t stop. He didn’t know why he felt so… wrong. It’s not like Brian caught them cheating on him with someone else, they were just venting through music. Lord knows he’s done it before. But this time it was so  _ direct. _ It was meant to hurt him. If it had come from Roger or hell, Freddie even, it would’ve been something he could brush off and move on from, but watching Fred read the words right from John’s book, the book  _ Brian _ gave him as an  _ apology, _ sucked the fight out of him.

He was done. He didn’t want to be in Munich, he didn’t want to sleep in their house, and he didn’t want anything to do with  _ fucking  _ Hot Space. It wasn’t like there was much left anyway, Brian thought as he stared at the architecture around him. There were only a few spots on the album left and he had already done his part with his songs. It wasn’t like they wanted his input anyway. Every time he tried to give it, it always ended in a fight so he had kept his mouth shut in protest for practically the last month even when they asked for his opinion.

The memory sparked rage in him again, giving him another idea of where to go.

-

By the time he was back in London, it was dinner time. He was about to order in when the phone rang and he knew who it was.

“Get back here.”

“Hello to you too, Fred,” Brian sighed, staring out the kitchen window, preparing for the verbal lashing he’s about to get.

“You can’t just run away when things get bad. We’re sorry about the song but nothing in it was untrue and you know that.” Freddie waited for Brian to say anything but he stayed quiet. Neither said anything, just listening to the other breathe.

“I know that none of it’s a lie. Trust me, I’m well aware. I’ve had more than enough alone time over the last few months to realize what I’ve done wrong. Have you?” He was being mean, he knew that but he was annoyed. This wasn’t just his fault, it was all of them and if they couldn’t see that…

“Brian, I know we aren’t always on the same page but-”

“When was the last time all four of us had sex? When was the last time one of the three of you told me you loved me, and not before you told me you disagreed with me to try to ‘soften the blow’, hmm? Because I genuinely can’t remember, can you?” Brian paused for a moment, hoping for a moment that Freddie would tell him he’s wrong and he should come back so he could show him just how much they loved him but he stayed quiet on the other side of the line. He sighed and closed his eyes, the soft yellow light of the kitchen becoming too much for him. “I’m sad, and lonely and it’s not because I’m the only one in the house.” Then he hung up.

The exhaustion of the day was finally catching up to Brian as he slipped into bed, watching the sunset from under the covers and having the phone’s ringing lull him asleep.

-

By 5 am, Brian was awake, watching the night sky in its last moments. His mind was still fuzzy with sleep when he heard the front door close. A rush of panic ran through him at the thought of it being an intruder but when the bedroom door slowly swung open to reveal a disheveled and tired John Deacon, the panic dissolved and left an empty feeling. The younger man opened his mouth but Brian just turned his head back towards the window, resting his chin on his knee.

“They sent you to do damage control?” His voice was scratchy and he kept his eyes on the impending dawn.

“They didn’t send me. I forced Miami to put me on the first flight home so I could be with you.” John’s voice is softer than Brian’s heard it in months. It would be a lie if Brian said his heart didn’t flutter. “I’m sorry Bri. Please come back.”

Brian took a shuddering breath, trying to think before he said something stupid which seemed to be a pattern for him recently. “Do you… so you even want me there? I finished my songs and you don’t want my input so does it really matter if I go back?”

After a moment of silence, John spoke. “Yes, it does matter. We aren’t Queen without you,”  _ Of course the reason they want him back is for Queen business, not because they want their boyfriend. _ “And we miss you. We’ve been missing you for a while now but we didn’t notice it until we saw you in the booth. We just want you back with us,” He sighed softly before adding,  _ “I _ want you back.”

Brian spared a look over his shoulder and was met with the sight of John playing with the comforter, focusing intently on the grey fabric. He tore his gaze away, heart-clenching at the sight.

“I’m sorry.” The most he could do was a whisper but that seemed to do the trick. He felt the bed dip before he was pulled into a tight embrace. John shoved his face into his neck, taking a deep inhale which made Brian chuckle despite the situation.

“I love you so much, I’m so sorry that I forgot to remind you,” John whispered, placing a soft kiss to the sensitive skin.

They stayed like that for a while, long after the sun had risen. At some point, John had fallen asleep, melting into Brian even farther. The older man couldn’t remember the last time it was just the two of them together. Roger and Freddie were careful not to leave them together for more than a moment due to their constant arguing in the last few months, making sure that they always had a mediator to keep both of them in line but now it was just the two of them and Brian couldn’t help but think back to their early days when they would seek each other out when the other two were painting the town red with their chaos. When they would study together and read the other’s textbook to help as much as they could. Suddenly he was reminded of John’s reaction to him putting his Ph.D. on hold. John had threatened to hit him over the head with his thickest textbook until Brian promised he would finish eventually.

“Miami got us a flight for tonight if you want to come back.” John’s raspy voice broke him from his nostalgia. “We want you there but it’s up to you. If you want a… break…” He trailed off, fiddling with the hem of Brian’s t-shirt.

“I’ll go with you,” Brian said, placing a hand over his lovers, lacing them together. He felt John nod behind him and he started to fiddle with Brian’s fingers.

“Freddie wanted to put it on the album,” He muttered. Honestly, Brian wasn’t surprised. As much as he hated the song, it had potential.

“Then I guess I’ll have to come back then. If I’m gonna have a diss track, it’s got to be the best one out there.”

Brian’s heart melted when John giggled and he was filled with hope. They could get through this; they were stronger than a stupid song. They just had to try.


End file.
